June

Watercoloured this card for a friend 🙂

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Dreams

Practiced my Courtesy Script again after watching Beauty and the Beast as I ate my breakfast.

I absolutely love this. Beauty and the beast, Cinderella, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, are really Disney Classics that I can never get tired of. They’re just full of hope and dreams.

The word ‘Dream’ has been appearing so many times.

Been wanting to jot down snippets of my dreams for fear that I may lose them soon. I used to have plenty. Ambitions, goals, dreams – whatever you call them.

I started Hope Alethia with the hope of having a sustainable business which married my interest in creation and design and having the money to help and support causes for women and children. However, it could not be sustained as I simply ran out of money. And probably, the interest too. And lacked the resilience to sort out all the administrative processes that had to be in place for a successful business. I still have stock scattered in my room reminding me of how it just died, but also reminding me that I once had the drive to pursue what I wanted – as a varsity student no less. Not many did that. While I would classify that as one of the things I failed at, I still have the hope that the brand would make its comeback as my many interests still have not died.

I am still supporting two children in Zambia and Ethiopia, and I do support A21 from time to time. So in that sense, I do have to remind myself that the dream has not completely died. It’s just… I don’t have the right resources right now to be the ‘starter’ of an organisation that does these.

Right now where I am, I am appreciating the financial stability which allows me to continue supporting the causes I feel for. And while it may seem really tough and meaningless at times, it really does give me money. Not as much as others, but more than many others.

I appreciate it.

I’m still slogging away on nights and weekends – though a teacher’s ‘seen’ work is only in the office, and still am having trouble reconciling how often I have to do and worry over things that are, really, people-problems that aren’t necessarily for the good of the students in the long-run.

But right this moment I actually have spare time to do up that piece of handlettering, and type this blogpost. And for that I am thankful.

I want to dream again and I want these dreams to stay in my head and in my heart. It’s scary to have had them and now no longer be able to see them.

But God, You are faithful and You set my heart ablaze, again.

Let Hope arise, again.

Let not my heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

How does ‘letting not’ happen? By seeing the goodness of my Lord. Grace loving me and supplying me. Something that was so real to me had slowly but surely fizzed out and I found myself on numerous accounts, very tangibly and observably forgetting that I had a great God who supplies me according to the riches of His grace, and not my own strengths and abilities.

Felt a need to come back to a space where I could journal freely. I always had this embarrassment of looking at my own words, fearing that they’d sound juvenile and awkward. My past experiences with blogs have not turned out well and I’ve chucked those incidents aside at the back of my mind because simply, I’m just ashamed at how childish and self-righteous I was, in action and deed.

I turn 27 (years-young) in September this year. The fear of looking silly still gets to me. But surely, I’ve grown? From the silliness of my youth, to the breaking in 23, to the stretching in the past few years in teaching (which isn’t really teaching in my opinion at this time in this jaded state).

Chase shared at CG a few weeks back about writing our visions – and somehow while I wanted to do it, and on many occasions, tried so, there was an inertia. I would look at a piece of paper and feel a sense of defiance of sorts.

Then the LORD answered me and said: “Write the vision And make it plain on tablets, That he may run who reads it. (‭Habakkuk‬ ‭2‬:‭2‬ NKJV)

The flesh or enemy, regardless, really attacks what is going to be glorious for me. So last night, in my recent interest in handlettering, I amateurishly painted down the first vision.

I dated it as proof to myself. Xuan gave me a word, or rather a vision, of what she saw me. That though I feel like I’m in darkness and can’t even see a tomorrow, she saw me shining and shining. Felt encouraged by that because I know my reality – it is not these that I’m struggling with. It is not the tears that I’ve shed over silly work-related matters. It is that – I am a beloved daughter of God, and that I reign in life because of that fact. I am righteous even though I’ve done things I regret. I am victorious even though I see failures in my life. I am beautiful even though my esteem plunges when I see a person who reminds me so painfully of how I was rejected. In those realities, I am who God sees I am.

My handlettering definitely needs improvement and honing, but I’m loving this script that I used as an inspiration for my first serious attempt at writing prettily. These are traits that I see myself having because Jesus has paid for it. In and of myself, I am definitely not some of the above. I might take pride now and then in one or two, but without the Lord, I will really see how hopeless I am. May that day never come, that I take pride in something that is really not from myself.

I’m keeping it like that for now – so much blank space for me to fill in the future. Whenever I feel quite the opposite, I’m adding on to the list. But my Sunday morning mind is stopping here and not ready to start on my work, but feels the necessity.

Grace, grace – Your strength flows in my weakness, in my laziness, in my sleepiness, in my unwillingness. I have been chosen to be right where I am – amongst all the others who could have taken my place, You chose me and You have put me here.

Let Hope arise, again. 

Fill me with the meaning and purpose, again. 

Reignite the love, again.