Let not my heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
How does ‘letting not’ happen? By seeing the goodness of my Lord. Grace loving me and supplying me. Something that was so real to me had slowly but surely fizzed out and I found myself on numerous accounts, very tangibly and observably forgetting that I had a great God who supplies me according to the riches of His grace, and not my own strengths and abilities.
Felt a need to come back to a space where I could journal freely. I always had this embarrassment of looking at my own words, fearing that they’d sound juvenile and awkward. My past experiences with blogs have not turned out well and I’ve chucked those incidents aside at the back of my mind because simply, I’m just ashamed at how childish and self-righteous I was, in action and deed.
I turn 27 (years-young) in September this year. The fear of looking silly still gets to me. But surely, I’ve grown? From the silliness of my youth, to the breaking in 23, to the stretching in the past few years in teaching (which isn’t really teaching in my opinion at this time in this jaded state).
Chase shared at CG a few weeks back about writing our visions – and somehow while I wanted to do it, and on many occasions, tried so, there was an inertia. I would look at a piece of paper and feel a sense of defiance of sorts.
Then the LORD answered me and said: “Write the vision And make it plain on tablets, That he may run who reads it. (Habakkuk 2:2 NKJV)
The flesh or enemy, regardless, really attacks what is going to be glorious for me. So last night, in my recent interest in handlettering, I amateurishly painted down the first vision.
I dated it as proof to myself. Xuan gave me a word, or rather a vision, of what she saw me. That though I feel like I’m in darkness and can’t even see a tomorrow, she saw me shining and shining. Felt encouraged by that because I know my reality – it is not these that I’m struggling with. It is not the tears that I’ve shed over silly work-related matters. It is that – I am a beloved daughter of God, and that I reign in life because of that fact. I am righteous even though I’ve done things I regret. I am victorious even though I see failures in my life. I am beautiful even though my esteem plunges when I see a person who reminds me so painfully of how I was rejected. In those realities, I am who God sees I am.
My handlettering definitely needs improvement and honing, but I’m loving this script that I used as an inspiration for my first serious attempt at writing prettily. These are traits that I see myself having because Jesus has paid for it. In and of myself, I am definitely not some of the above. I might take pride now and then in one or two, but without the Lord, I will really see how hopeless I am. May that day never come, that I take pride in something that is really not from myself.
I’m keeping it like that for now – so much blank space for me to fill in the future. Whenever I feel quite the opposite, I’m adding on to the list. But my Sunday morning mind is stopping here and not ready to start on my work, but feels the necessity.
Grace, grace – Your strength flows in my weakness, in my laziness, in my sleepiness, in my unwillingness. I have been chosen to be right where I am – amongst all the others who could have taken my place, You chose me and You have put me here.
Let Hope arise, again.
Fill me with the meaning and purpose, again.
Reignite the love, again.